


I have waited lifetimes

by Lemon_Lush



Category: Transformers - All Media Types
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, F/M, Hanahaki Disease, Hurt/Comfort, Slow Burn, Slow Updates, Soulmates, Strangers to Lovers, Suicidal Thoughts, no beta we die like men, unhealthy views of death
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-08
Updated: 2020-07-16
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:55:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,363
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24613378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lemon_Lush/pseuds/Lemon_Lush
Summary: There is a blank stare in her eyes as if she weren’t present in her body. The light faded from them, giving a hazed look like that of a corpse. All that spoke of the life still in her was the shallow breathing, the slow rise and fall of her chest where lifetimes seemed to be wedged between. Optimus was watching her, but she was staring somewhere even he could not see.___________________________________I have never known my mate. This is something I became aware of as a child. Staring up at that thin, silken thread glittering red in the moonlight. It is something I became sure of as the first flower bloomed. Yet here he is, on earth with me now. Like nothing I could of ever imagined. Everything is falling apart, everything is being rebuilt. All I ever wanted was somebody to connect with... but I guess it wasn't ever going to be him.(( currently rewriting some of the chapters before updating ))
Relationships: Breakdown/Knock Out, Mikaela Banes/Sam Witwicky, Optimus Prime/Original Female Character(s), Optimus Prime/Reader, Optimus Prime/You, Reader & Knock Out
Comments: 6
Kudos: 55





	1. Prologue

_We do not exist in any other instant.  
Here in this dimension, you and I are meant to be.  
I have waited lifetimes to find you_

I would want to drown.

The sea foam curled up around my legs. The crashing waves turned gentle as they reached me. My feet slowly buried themselves in the wet sand as with each wave a little more was pulled from under me. Each wave dragging the very ground from beneath my feet out into that vast emptiness. It’s warm still, even as the day fades away.

I’m not actively seeking to throw myself into the ocean at this very moment. It’s just, if I had to choose a way to go. No, I don’t think that’s the right way to explain it either. I can call to mind so many movies where it seems such a romantic idea. Sinking peacefully into the open expanse of water, sunlight trickling down. 

The sun is low in the sky and casting a warm tint over the water, the pink sky that faded to lavender reflecting into the calm waters. It called out to me, seemingly beckoning me to walk forward. One day I won’t be able to ignore it. Already the scent of saltwater filling my lungs, wrapping itself around me, seemed like home. It was peace. I think more than anything that’s what I craved.

I know for every shot of a beautiful maiden sinking into the waters, there is another of somebody violently struggling back to the surface. It must be terrifying like that. Struggling to survive, but I guess any death is terrifying if you think about it too hard. If you refuse to let go. I don’t want to die. I’m just tired.

The lullaby of the waves sang to me. Called for me to stay in this peace, to just wait here even if I would not let it claim me yet. My aching lungs were loathe to depart the air that always seemed so easy to breathe. I couldn’t stay though. I knew as more of that soft purple took over the sky it was time to go. I had the luxury of working close to the beach, but I still had to go and work. Why? I didn’t really know. That’s just how things were and I accepted them. Floating through life where it carried me, I didn’t really bother steering my own course. So I had to go to work, because that’s what people did. They worked.

I splashed back to where I’d left my shoes, carrying them in my hand as I made my way up the shore to the stairs. Sand sticking to my wet skin as I struggled to walk up the soft, dry sand that seemed to give way under my steps. Before I walked the short distance back up the street to the club I would need to wash my feet. 

_______________________________

My suitcase and bag had been stashed under the counter at my usual place in the back. The moment I stood Annie’s arms were wrapped around my waist, pulling me to face her. The whole of her body was pressed flat against me. Warm breath melted over the exposed skin on my neck. It was automatic that I tilted my head for her, giving her access as her lips ghost over my neck. She inhaled deeply as she followed that curve.

“You smell nice.” She hummed, pulling back and taking my lips in her’s. For a moment they linger there, my mouth moving on her’s. “Were you at the beach?”

“Can’t beat that all-natural sea spray perfume.” I smile but I’m already turning my attention from her. Make-up bags placed on the counter where I now scramble to sit at well. It was hard to see what I was doing with how far away the mirror sat when I was in the chairs. 

“You still smell really floral.” Annie laughed as she leaned against the lockers. She was already dressed and ready for the night. Her outfits were never extravagant, but her make-up was gorgeous. 

I never replied. Pulling out various products I would need to get my own face into a presentable state. This was routine. Annie would always tell me I smelled nice, and would often kiss me. It meant very little. We were friends. Her and her girlfriend, who sat next to me, intensely focused on her eyeliner, were probably my closest friends here. I loved them both, and I loved them the most when they were together. They were so cute my heart couldn’t help but melt.

Annie and Stella were in the end an inseparable pair. Not mates, but having each been one of the rare few whose mate was not in this world, loved each other deeply. Annie treated Stella like a queen, nothing else came before her, but Annie was still so clearly in charge. Older than the other, and I as well.

It was commonplace for those with strange mate situations to end up here. While some entered the job just for the money promised, and went home at night to their mates happily… others were like Annie and Stella. Their mates weren’t here. Suffering the loss when they were too young to remember. We were the strange drifters flitting about in a world where your other half was one of the most important things. We didn’t belong, and commonly we ended up in places like this. In strange jobs that had no place in a world like this… Just like we had no place in it.

With the club just about to open more girls came into the back. Bags were set in their places, banter ensued. Cheers and short pep talks started. These pep talks were nothing more than a call of “let’s suck some dick tonight!” Always in jest, and followed by laughter. I remember for a moment why I had to go to work, because this was home. 

I was lucky for the club I worked in. It was small so we lacked the large customer base, and weren’t always busy, it was a relaxed atmosphere. The girls were all rather kind, boasting of us as a family unit. While I wasn’t close to all of them, I could say that we managed to work as a team. Especially when it was really needed. I had no need to ever fear asking for a bit of help from one of them. I counted it a blessing after where I’d come from before here.

Music began pumping through the speakers, the bass thrumming. The sound dull where I was, but I knew it would flood my senses once I walked out the door and onto the floor. After zipping up my boots I stared into the mirror. Giving one last look over all the work I put into myself for the night. With one last adjustment of my bottoms, I made my way out into the dark club. The roaming neon lights passing over me.

It was early and still empty for the most part. Annie was off talking to a pair, no doubt waiting for her girlfriend to arrive so they could tag team them. With no one else in sight, and both the main and satellite stages occupied I made my way to my first stop of the night. The DJ booth.

“I’m ready,” I sang the words as I shoved myself under his arm. My own wrapped around his chest as I dug my cheek into his shoulder. He responded by giving me a squeeze, his hand resting on my shoulder. Jeremy was always kind to me. At first I hadn’t liked him, but in a short time he became my favorite person in the club. I loved watching him work. 

“Gonna work hard tonight?” He laughed. The sound was warm. It sank into my heart and helped to lift my spirits. I felt homesick despite the comforts of my club. The anxiety forced its way deep in my chest, dripping like icy water into my gut. 

I nodded. “Of course.” My voice was small, colored by a pout. It earned me another little laugh, to which I melted against him for. 

This was the weekend and I had no choice but to work hard. If I didn’t I’d be kicking myself later for all the money lost. Even now as I pressed myself against Jeremy I stared out the booth’s window and at the front door. Waiting for a customer’s shadowed shape to wander in and head towards the bar.

It didn’t take long, and the moment my eyes caught sight of the lean figure making his way in I pulled myself away from my friend. Carefully gliding down the steps and over to the man. I found him to be plain looking, but I smiled nonetheless. Gaze half-lidded as I stared up at him with the most innocent look I could muster. 

“Hey darling, How are you doing tonight? My name’s Ivy.” Overly practiced, and sickly sweet it falls from my lips with ease. I’m already on auto pilot as I lean into the clammy wood of the bar.

_______________________________

My ankle twisted at an awkward angle as I stumbled into the dressing room. A sharp pain blossomed up from it, my knees and hands quickly answering with pain of their own as they hit the carpet. It was nothing compared to the sharp stabbing in my chest. The constriction that seemed to squeeze my ribs down from the inside. The roots digging into my lungs and holding my ribs captive.

Two girls were already back here, Stella and a petite blonde named Angel. The latter paused in stuffing her face with chips, hand hovering in the bag as her round eyes went wide in shock. She seemed unsure of what to do as she simply stared at me shaking on the floor as I slowly fell into it. We didn’t know each other that well, so I’m not surprised in her lack of rush. Stella, on the other hand, shoved her phone back into her bag and rushed towards me, only pausing when the door opened again.

Annie was quick behind me, having seen me stumbling out of the V.I.P room panting. I will never forget in my life how Annie always seemed to know what to do, even though we’d gone through this before she seemed to tend to me with a practiced ease from the very first time. Angel, who had not seen the ravages of hanahaki before and sat unsure in her seat, was ordered out quickly by Annie. Sent to fetch Jeremy and a cold cup of water.

With Angel gone Stella helped Annie stretch me out from where I attempted to curl up on the floor. As she pulled my legs out more comfortably, she removed my boots. Carefully setting them to the side before she herself moved out of the way. A helpless feeling fell on her shoulders, but there was nothing to do but let this pass. She knew that.

I faintly struggled even as I was pulled into Annie’s familiar lap, face down where I buried my face into her hip. Hacking, wheezing, trying my hardest to suck in air. My arms were slowly pulled above my head so that my rib cage might open up more, to lessen my suffering as I choked on the flowers. 

One hand wrapped around the wrist of the other. Fingers digging in sharply. Bruises would form later from this sad attempt to ground myself, and this is the only way I would know I had done it. None of this would be remembered by me later. Only the pain, the sound of my own whining in my ears. A pathetic feeling as I realized that I pushed myself too hard, and now I would be kicking myself for that instead of not pushing hard enough.

Drool fell from my lips in dirty globs, mixed with blood and spilling onto Annie’s skin. My tongue lolling out as I panted. Heavy coughs shaking my entire body. Each one bringing on a wave of pain. Soon a taste too sweet filled my mouth, it was sticky and mixed with copper. A bitter taste followed as bright cyan petals fell with the mixture of spit and blood. 

A sharp pain tore through my throat as I felt the flowers rise. I rose onto my elbows, legs kicking for purchase until I dug my knees into the carpets so that I could lift myself. The top of my head digging into Annie’s stomach, back arching as I heaved like an animal. My whole being shuddered as a single glowing flower fell from between my lips. Speckled in my blood, and drops of it followed down soon after it. Then another flower, and another after that. Only then was I able to take in a huge gulp of air, pain shooting through me and turning my vision a burning white as the roots ripped at my insides.

Barely I heard a voice call out my stage name, and my brain slowly lagged to catch up to the fact Jeremy was rolling me onto my side and pressing my inhaler to my lips. I breathed in the medicine, and slowly the roots relaxed and the pain faded into something more tolerable. 

I said nothing as Annie pulled me into her chest, I only breathed in huge gulps. Thankful just for the fact oxygen existed.

I left early that night. Driven to my quiet home by Annie and Stella.

_______________________________

Soulmates, you only ever have one. Not just in your life, but forever. Across time, across space even... I’d guess. Each time you’re born you’ll be connected to the exact same soul. There’s others of course. Familiar souls you meet again, and again. When you meet them you know them, that familiar feeling. It’s nothing compared to your other half though. Finding them unlocks that piece of you that’s been holding back all the people you used to be. Little memories, hazy and soft will awaken. I’m told they sort of just feel like cotton, something you remember but you don’t. I wouldn’t know. I’m certain I’ve never experienced such a thing.

If you focus real hard, clear your mind and breathe, you can see the string connecting you to the other. A red string that holds you two together. It’s how people find them, when we hit eighteen it’s common for people to go on a pilgrimage to find them. A rare few will know each other before then. The age of the internet has made it easier to find the other earlier and earlier.

Funny thing about mine. When I close my eyes, breathe real deep and find that calm. The string falling from my chest sags down, then goes up to the sky. It goes, and it goes. Straight up into space… I think. It’s never not been like that. I’m quiet about it though. Not a lot of people would believe me, or understand it. 

I can recall a time when I was younger that I sat out under the stars, breathing in the cold night air. Already the flowers had started to bloom. Normally they don’t until several years after you hit the age of eighteen, and only if you have not yet found your living mate. Mine started young. Quietly the confused doctors came to the conclusion it was because I had not met my mate for several life cycles. Part of me always thought that funny, how little they knew. In my heart I was always certain… I never met them. 

That night though I felt a particular loneliness. My best friend had met her mate when she moved into the same town just weeks earlier. She’d not paid much attention to me since, getting caught up in the ecstasy of being reunited. It would mellow out in time, but I was young and it still hurt. I’m sure it would still hurt even now that I was older. The pair are happily married and living on the east coast with two adopted children. I’m happy for them… I’m still lonely.

So as I sat under those stars, the grass gently brushed against my skin with storm clouds in the distance bringing the smell of oncoming rain. A clean ozone scent that washed over me and mixed with the earthy smell of dirt. I did something I have never done since. I reached out to my mate through the bond. 

With my eyes closed I took in a deep slow breath, letting myself sink into the ground until I felt as if I might just be swallowed up by it. When I slowly opened my eyes I could see the string flowing up from my chest, straight into the air where eventually I lost sight of it. What I’d hoped for I wasn’t sure, but I reached out mentally. Tentatively calling out for them from the heart, with my soul. 

A wash of energy fell over me, filling me. I felt as if I were suddenly floating in space. The world around me falling apart until I could only sense the vastness of the universe surrounding me. An intense awareness of the stardust that made up my body, and how ancient it truly was, flooded my senses. It was addicting. I could live off this forever. All the loneliness fell away, leaving me with nothing but an intense calm. I only ever wanted to feel this way ever again.

Thunder rolled slowly in the distance. Washing over me as the cold breeze ran over me. This peace I found, the feeling of my mate’s soul washing over me, slowly fell away. I realized all at once that it was a one way call, they weren’t answering me. I was just laying there in the grass screaming out for them in a way, grasping desperately onto the feel of them… but they never replied. Never acknowledged me. 

I’d never felt so lonely as I did then, laying there in the grass behind my house as the storm clouds rolled in.

I don’t think that loneliness ever left.

* * *

**// --** Hi, and welcome to my mess! I cannot promise you this thing is ever going to be finished, it's just something I'm working on in my free time to relax. I'm not following any particular lore here, I'm literally just picking and choosing things from various Transformers versions and going to town with it. Will they all be blended seamlessly? No probably not. I'm just here to have some fun and be super self-indulgent. Also this story is being written in something like first-person omniscient?? I have no idea what I'm doing writing in first-person, but the reader stand-in isn't aware in the story of what you, the actual reader, are being made aware of. I hope that's made clear in the story but again... I really don't know what I'm doing but I'm just here to have fun anyway. Oh, and speaking of the reader they aren't actually named currently, I'll be using the Y/N insert later on. I just decided to pick Ivy as the reader's dancer name.... cause I could. -- _Lemon Lush_


	2. The strings that bind

_Often I am upset that I cannot fall in love._   
_But I guess this avoids the stress of falling out of it._

I woke up feeling as if my chest were vibrating. My breath came in small hitches. Anxiety rolling through my veins like a dull scream coming from far away. It took over my whole body, easing from my tensed shoulder blades and down my chest. Tightening my legs as I curled up as small as I could.As if I could make myself small enough that I would pop out of existence. I knew this attack would last for hours. It would feel like lifetimes to me, as the day eased by slowly with a thin layer of panic over it. My chest aching at the speeding of my heart, muscles aching from hours tensed. 

The fabric of my blankets was comforting for a short minute. Shifting about me as I tried to hide here. My mind was racing with empty thoughts. No words, no ideas. Just vague panic. It could have been seconds or minutes, time felt meaningless like this, before I was violently kicking my blankets off. Run, that’s all I could process. This need to start running. I left my blankets a messy pile at the foot of the bed as I settled at the edge of the bed, buzzing. Rubbing furiously at my face as I allowed myself to join the waking world.

There for a moment, set just on the edge of the bed with one bare foot against the wooden floor, I simply existed. 

The sunlight filtered past the curtains and left a warm glow across the quiet living room. Slowly the television hummed to life. A news anchor spoke matter-of-factly, all dressed up and grim-faced. My heart still hammered against my ribcage even as I lazily leaned against my kitchen island. A large white t-shirt being the only thing to hide my bare body. One sleeve slipping down to reveal my shoulder as I shoveled cereal into my mouth.

“Several small asteroids have landed across the United States, leaving destruction in their path. While this situation has been frightening for many Americans, and shocking for the rest of us, we are informed by our sources that this natural occurrence is rare, and unlikely to be seen again anytime soon.” The droning voice bleeds across the silence. Something about the asteroids sticks with me. A feeling in my gut telling me there is more. I ignore it. The sound of my footsteps lazily moving me across the floor to my old couch join the woman’s voice.

I switch the channel quickly. I’m tired of her voice.

_______________________________

That odd feeling doesn’t leave me. By the time night hits I’m still buzzing with it. Moonlight slips past the crack in the curtains and stains the wooden floor. I notice the flowers humming in my chest, they know something I don’t. Warmly curling into the cavity where they made their home. The weight of them was comfortable now, despite the echoing pain of the past night. 

I would be lying if I said I wasn’t attached to them. I was often, grimly reminded of the surgery. The removal of the flowers would remove this body’s connection to my mate. It would damage the bond forever, but save my life. Selfishly I wondered if it would hurt my mysterious mate. It was not for their sake I kept them, no I loved the flowers. My body grew them, screaming out for somebody who wasn’t listening. Over time I almost began to feel as if I could understand their strange language. The way the flowers seemed to hum and sing. Pushing against my ribs and yearning for sunlight, or digging into my lungs with their roots. Time and time again their gift to me is knowing my fate is cemented, my death will come as they choke the life from me. I find peace in it. 

They are beautiful, growing from my very soul. Proof that I am alive, proof of my pain, of both my hatred and my love.

In the late stages the flowers will bloom upon my skin. I will love them even then, I am sure. Despite the pain of each one growing, of the numbness left behind. Each one is precious. They sit in curious places around my house, pressed between books. Little glowing blossoms slowly wilting. I tend to them with my body, I will until I stop breathing. Until they choke me.

Shrill screams of an actress bludgeoned echo in the dark. Blue light bathing a small swath of my bare living room. I trace the shapes on my ceiling in my mind. Everything is far off, I’m not real. The press of the couch against my skin is like needles. Static zapping at my body each place contact is made. Yet it all feels like it’s a million miles away. I’m not real. I’m not here. 

Before I can make sense of what I am doing my eyes flutter shut. Answering a quiet call, a demand. Each breath is slower and deeper until I am truly floating. I am suddenly tempted to call out again, to feel that surge of energy. For stardust to ignite in my veins. Instead I force my heavy eyelids open. The fuzziness of the world is just a little warmer, just a little more inviting. 

I expect to see the string lazily gliding up from my chest through the ceiling. There is nothing. I am too tired for panic, my body can’t seem to induce any fear. Instead I am only confused, my gaze slowly darting about. Until I roll my head to the side. There the string tumbles from my chest and onto the floor. Snaking out past the door.   
_______________________________

The meteors were anything but. This I realized now, the flowers hummed and my anxiety coursed through my blood knowing this before I did. The Autobot was miles away in a nicer city than I ever lived in. Completely unaware of the way my entire life was suddenly being stripped of its most basic facts. It’s foundation crumbling and leaving me truly floating endlessly.

The fate of his faction, the fate of his world, and the humans was on the line. These things were most important, and must come first. The string was so easy to ignore now, he had not dwelled on it since the time before he was a prime. Thousands of cycles had passed since then. It occurred to him only momentarily that somewhere on this planet the other half of his spark existed. The knowledge was seemingly forgotten just as soon as it was learned.

He knelt down in front of Sam, introducing himself. Right now the only human on this planet that mattered, was him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey look an Optimus Prime! Hope you enjoyed that five seconds of him cause he probably won't be back for awhile.


End file.
